**Bryce wrote this and I feel this almost as amazing as spending actual time with him! I hope you enjoy it cause I know I do! Thoughts of a genius here...** cambria
Sixteen ways to appear cultivated/educated/literate
without pulling all-nighters...
I taught various aspects of Biology at the University of Waterloo for almost 30 years. So I had plenty of time to discover that most of my students were far worse at English than they were at Biology, and I put a rather disproportionate amount of time and energy into teaching them the rudiments of what was in most cases their mother tongue.
.
When I got them to write an essay in my third or fourth year classes, they always complained that they had never had to do this before. I responded that this had been a bad thing, because if they wanted to make a positive impression in their future jobs they would need to speak and write clearly.
What I am about to impart to you now are some of the fruits of my struggles with undergraduate illiteracy. If you can deal correctly with the things I am about to discuss, your superiors will note this with approbation.
First, the spoken word. The substitution of the Å’F word‚ for virtually all other adjectives and verbs definitely conveys a certain impression (see Å’Trailer Park Boys‚). But most people betray themselves rather more subtly, and the great thing is that this problem can be overcome with relative ease.
(1) If you pronounce the word Å’nuclear‚ as Å’nucular‚ you are putting yourself in the same category as Dubya Bush, and not many of us would want to do that, would we?
(2) Å’How are you?‚ Å’Good‚ is a common but incorrect reply. What should you say? Å’
Well, thank you.‚ Remember the old saying about the Pilgrim Fathers who Å’came to North America to do good, and stayed to do well‚.
Good is an adjective (a word that describes a noun) Å’A good man‚.
Well is an adverb (a word that qualifies a verb). Å’He did well‚. Of course, well has another meaning, as in Å’Well, he was a good man, but he done (did) her wrong‚.
(3) The frequent confusion of Å’lie‚ and Å’lying‚ with Å’lay‚ and Å’laying‚ is unfortunate, since they mean different things. Å’She was
laying on the bed‚ implies egg production, though to say Å’She
lay on the bed‚ (past tense) is just fine, and no form of reproduction is necessarily implied (though the possibilities are clearly endless). The rules here are a little convoluted, and have to be learned by rote, since the structure of the language is not internally consistent or logical. Irregular verbs (lie, be, come, go) are sent to try us. Interestingly, languages other than English also have irregular (inconsistent) verbs, so the mental quirk/gene involved in their invention and adoption must be widespread.
(4) The Å’fewer‚ - Å’less‚ problem. Here‚s an easy rule:
fewer refers to number,
less refers to quantity.
Å’There are
fewer (not less) wasps around this year.‚ Most people get the less right for quantity, as in Å’I have
less money than I would like‚. But they tend to use Å’less‚ where Å’fewer‚ would be correct Å’There are less (
fewer) students at the school this year‚.
(5) A good rule is to expunge the word Å’
like‚ from your vocabulary. If you can avoid it altogether, despite its being a useful word in some contexts, then it won‚t creep unnoticed into inappropriate places. It‚s,
like, a real giveaway. If you like ice cream and want to say so, you can replace the word with a stronger one, such as Å’love‚, Å’must have‚, Å’crave‚, or Å’scream for‚.
But most of the gaffes are committed in writing (which is where I encountered them). Some of the words involved are Å’homophones‚: that is, two words which sound the same while being spelled differently.
(6) So if you write Å’The
Principle of my school was a real scumbag‚ you are revealing, not just that you didn‚t like the guy, but that you don‚t know the difference between the words
principle and
principal. Of course, in England, where I grew up, we avoided this issue by calling him the Headmaster, as in Å’The Headmaster of my school was a real (insert desired noun)‚.
(7) If you write Å’She
poured over [studied] the documents for hours‚ you are displaying an unfamiliarity with the word Å’pored‚.
(8) The number of people who confuse Å’
their‚ and Å’
there‚ is legion (but surely I don‚t have to give examples ...). And there‚s another problem associated with the word Å’there‚. It is frequently added to the beginning of a sentence, where it is completely unnecessary. Å’There were seventy different species of mushroom found in the woods‚. What‚s wrong with the unadorned Å’Seventy species of mushroom were found in the woods‚?
(9) and (10) Other bad beginnings are: Å’
Based on‚ and Å’
Due to‚. This is because those two phrases need something in front of them, explaining
what is Å’based on‚, and
what is Å’due to‚.
Å’
Our conclusions were based on a series of experiments‚ is fine.
Å’The school
was closed due to an outbreak of Å’flu‚. is OK. (The closure was occasioned by the Å’flu).
I personally try to avoid both of these phrases because it is far too easy to misapply them.
Why not Å’His results were
derived from...‚ and Å’The school was closed
because of an outbreak...‚
(11) Here‚s one I read in the paper this morning. Å’At age 12, the horse she was riding spooked...‚
What that sentence actually says is that the horse was 12. What it was just as clearly meant to say was that the
rider was 12. This error is so common as to persuade me that many people never read over what they write in order to check whether they said what they wanted to say, or something else altogether...It‚s called proof-reading, and it‚s perfectly obvious that even the best newspapers don‚t do it any more.
(12) Å’You and I‚ or Å’You and me‚. Which is correct? The answer is that both can be correct, in the right place. Å’You and I‚ belongs at the beginning of a sentence. Å’You and me‚ belongs further in or at the end. The key is to think about whether Å’I‚ or Å’me‚ is appropriate.
Å’[You and] I will go to the movies‚.
Å’It would be better for [you and] me to go‚
(13) The number of signs that advertise something as happening Å’tonite‚ (tonight) is alarming, as is the number touting Å’lite‚ (light) beer. This raises a different issue - whether phonetic spelling is a good thing. That`s for another time.
(14) The misuse of the apostrophe is epidemic - far more so than SARS or West Nile will ever be.
It‚s is the most abused word in the language. Since it means Å’it is‚ or Å’it has‚, it is absolutely inappropriate when used in the sentence Å’The CBC is celebrating
it‚s 50th Anniversary.‚ Not that the CBC would ever advertise itself thus (I tell myself).
It‚s my belief that we have lost this one, and that the best thing would be to do away with the apostrophe altogether, leaving the context to make the meaning clear. George Bernard Shaw, who held opinions on many subjects, tended not to use apostrophes in his writings, and I have to say that when I read his plays I have little trouble understanding his meaning. I was not lead astray (sorry, I mean led).
(15) If only people knew where to put the word
only. The following three sentences mean very different things.
I only
saw her this morning (I didn‚t talk to her).
I saw only
her this morning. (I didn‚t see anyone else this morning).
I saw her only
this morning. (I saw her very recently).
Think about it. It is clear that where that word goes is crucial, because the entire sense of the sentence rests upon it.
(16) You have to reach a certain level of linguistic skill before you will use the word Å’
disinterested‚ in any context, but you should know that it means Å’impartial or unbiased‚ and that it can never be construed to mean Å’uninterested.‚, though it is often used as if that was what it meant. This sin is widespread, and causes concern/distress/depression in the ranks of language lovers..
And that's the end of one heavy blog - and not even one picture to lighten it up!